Kim opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Déjà vu, she thought. The ceiling stared back at her as indifferently as it always did.
She opened her curtains and nodded at the magpie regarding her patiently from a branch outside her window. It nodded back.
Kim knew that adult life was supposed to be repetitive. She had watched Holositcom and Holosoap characters rolling their eyes, shrugging comically and sighing with exaggerated indulgence at the circuitousness of human existence, nodded her head along to indie bands bemoaning the monotonousness of modern life, chuckled at comedians’ searing observations on humanity’s endless, headlong dash in circles. This was simply how things were. It was the same for everyone. And yet, she couldn’t help feeling that something was ‘off’. Maybe she was paranoid, but she had the growing sense that she, and the rest of the world, were really going round in circles. Even this thought came to her with the disturbing impression that she had come to the same conclusion hundreds of times before.
“Enough”, she said to know one in particular.
Luckily for Kim, she was one of the most well-respected Temporal Physicists in the known universe so if anyone was likely to uncover a monumental time conspiracy, it would be her.
Meanwhile the Multi-Billionaire, Rodreeden Zimmerhalf, widely rumoured to be dead, living on Mars, living in an alternate dimension, a fiction of someone else’s imagination, dangerously insane or at least two of the above, was licking his whiskers in contemplation. Zimmerhalf was in fact two and a half of the above and as an evil genius working on behalf on the Feline Supremacy Movement, it was his job to ensure that the human species were prohibited from any unlicensed progression of an evolutionary nature. His CAT agents in the field saw to it that humans were prevented from developing new Inter-Dimensionary technologies and any promising research was scuppered by any means necessary. The mission was to keep the humans in a time vortex until the CAT species had grown apposable thumbs. The leading CAT researchers of the time estimated this would take anywhere from three to six billion years and so the humans were simply being kept on rotation until then. Luckily humans were remarkably stupid and in two billion years no one had noticed.
Kim arrived at her lab to find her colleague Dr. Heffleton Pfleeg already engrossed in the creation of his newest Time Machine. None of Pfleeg’s Time Machines ever worked, but he guarded them jealously and neither she, nor Jess, The Lab Assistant, were permitted entry to the lab without him present. Only the lab cat, Gerald, was given free rein of the place and as she entered the fat tabby lolloped up and rubbed itself enthusiastically around her legs.
Kim sat down at her work bench and, checking that Pfleeg was thoroughly distracted, began to sketch an idea that had come to her that morning, so fully formed it was as if she had designed it in her sleep.
Zimmerhalf stared at the report in front of him and continued to clean his whiskers. There had been a number of concerning leaks recently. Dr. Heffleton Pfleeg had almost succeeded in inventing time travel for the four hundred and eightieth time and Professor Gilbert O’Sullican had only been diverted from a successful teleportation leap by a well-timed Lap Jump Manoeuvre from Agent 8254, lamentably resulting in the destruction of Mars, one of Zimmerhalf’s favourite weekend retreats. There was also this female Temporal Researcher who was causing him some concern. She had somehow avoided Zimmerhalf’s recent attempt to kidnap her and his agent on the ground continued to report odd time glitch readings from her. After the botched kidnap, Zimmerhalf had come to the conclusion that there must be someone else in play. Someone who had access to unlicensed Inter-Dimensionary technology. Someone who had somehow escaped the CAT Time Vortex and was helping this troublesome Temporal Researcher – with or without her knowledge. Someone, who was most likely working with the BIRDS.
Kim’s design mapped out, Pfleeg was still buried in his time machine and Jess was busy with something on her computer, so she set to work building a prototype of her machine: The world’s first Time Compass. She had the distinct sense time was not on her side and worked frantically, hunched over her creation, shooing even Gerald away when he got too close.
The BIRDS had been working against them from the start of course, but until now, Zimmerhalf had not seen them as a great threat. If they had found themselves a human conspirator, however, if they’d managed to turn one of the two-legs to their cause and had helped it to escape the Time Vortex, well, that could mean trouble.
It had taken all day, but Kim’s prototype Time Compass was completed. It was a tiny thing, barely the size of an alarm clock, but it should be enough to test her theory. Gerald was becoming an annoyance: Mewing and attempting to jump into her lap. He must be hungry and now she thought about it, she was too. It was after five and she hadn’t eaten all day. Kim slipped the Time Compass into her bag and holding Gerald back with her foot, managed to get out of the lab without him escaping. He’d got into Professor Gilbert O’Sullican’s lab once and caused no end of havoc.
“Agent 8254, beaming in with an urgent message.” One of Zimmerhalf’s assistants reported.
“Fine, put him through.” Zimmerhalf leapt into his seat, turned in circles until he was comfortable and then punched the Holoscreen on with a paw.
“The girl’s up to something,” Agent 8254 reported, “She left the lab with some device and she’s been intercepting all of my attempts at reconnaissance. I think she might be on to me.”
Zimmerhalf hissed with irritation and swiped angrily at his favourite piece of string. “We cannot allow this female two-leg to pose a threat to our work,” He declared. “Stand by agent and await instructions...”
Kim bought Gerald a tin of tuna and herself a sandwich. She was about to head back, when a nagging sensation stopped her. She couldn’t escape the feeling that she was being watched in the lab. She felt observed there. Spied upon. There was no one in the canteen, maybe it would be better to test the Time Compass here? Collect some initial readings and then return to the lab to crunch the data. Uncontrolled experiments in the lunch room would definitely not be viewed kindly, but it would only take a moment and the machine did not have an impact on time, it simply located it. What could go wrong?
Zimmerhalf looked on as his assistants busied themselves across the star deck, tails arched high and collar bells jangling. Dealing with this female two-leg was Priority Number One, her mother had been trouble and it looked as if the bald monkey hadn’t fallen far from the tree, but it was also time they investigated the BIRDS. He had to know what those feather-brained nest builders had under their wings.
Kim stared at the readings.
“That can’t be right,” She murmured to no one in particular. “There’s no way…”
But the data was unequivocal. The Time Compass showed clearly that it was both today and every other day for the last – as far as Kim could tell – maybe five thousand years, possibly much more. Humanity had been living the same day for over half a millennia. Kim sat back, her brain whirring. She had been right, they were stuck in a loop, time simply replaying in circles, but how? Why? And who was behind it?
“Sir the Temporal Laxidator is fired up and ready for emergency reset in case the cognitive rewrite doesn’t go as planned.”
“Excellent.” Zimmerhalf purred and flicked his tail. “How are we doing on capturing an enemy agent?”
“All CAT agents have been activated sir. The BIRDS will not evade us for long.”
There was no time to lose. Kim leapt up, stuffing the Time Compass in her bag along with her notes. Her readings showed that the loop lasted approximately twenty-four hours, resetting at around midnight. It was 7pm now, meaning she had five hours before time reset and she forgot everything she’d just learnt. If she had any chance of breaking the cycle, of returning the world to linear time, she would need to work quickly and she would need Pfleeg’s help.
“Activate the Memorial Manipulatatron.” Zimmerhalf ordered, “There’s no time to lose. Has Agent 8254 successfully planted the nodes?”
“Everything’s ready, sir.”
“Then what are we waiting for, zap him!”
Kim finished her breathless explanation and held out the readings for Pfleeg to see.
Pfleeg had looked surprised, confused, alarmed and then had twitched and blinked repeatedly before his face settled into calm indifference. Now he just sighed,
“Not again, Kim.”
“I’m sorry…?”
“You haven’t been taking your medicine have you?”
“I… What?”
Kim was lost. She had explained the urgency of the situation clearly, but Pfleeg was just shaking his head and sighing at her. Gerald was purring happily in his lap.
“Kim, I just don’t know how many more times I can have this conversation with you. The world is not trapped in an inexorable time vortex masterminded by intergalactic cats looking to grow apposable thumbs…”
“…?!”
“…You have not lived the same day for two millennia and this is not the moment you save the world from a monumental feline time conspiracy…”
“But…”
“Kim, listen to me. You suffer from a rare form of Temporal Dissociative Disorder and when you don’t take your pills it affects your memory. You develop dangerous delusions, which for some reason have a tendency to hinge upon cats. Bit odd that if I’m honest…”
“No, but…”
“Enough Kim. Go home, take your pills and get some rest. Don’t make me have you thrown out by security again. That really was unpleasant last time...”
Kim gaped at him.
Gerald looked at her smugly through half closed eyes and purred.
Unsure of what else to do, Kim backed away. Once outside, she started to run, startling a magpie which burst airborne with a clatter of wings and an admonishing caw.
Kim arrived back home panting. She slammed the door behind her and ran straight up to her bedroom. There, on the bedside table, she found a small pot of pills. The pills claimed to reduce the effects of memory loss and temporal distortion. The prescription was in her name.
Kim sat down heavily on her bed and stared at the pot in her hand for a long time. Then, slowly, she let her head drop forwards.
“You fool.” She muttered to no one in particular.
The neighbour’s cat, AKA Pussyfoot, AKA Puss, AKA Agent 6712, slunk back downstairs and out through the open kitchen window. In the branches of a tree above, the magpie saw him leave and took off purposefully.
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